A young couple in love, Aaron* and Jesse* wanted to have a child. Being gay, there were obvious physical limitations when it came to having their own baby so they turned to surrogacy. Aaron was willing to answer our questions and share the couple’s experience thus far to help other couples in a similar situation.
Starting a family
Was surrogacy your first option when it came to having a child or did you consider fostering or adoption?
We have been asked this question so many times, so we return the question to you and ask if you wouldn’t do everything in your power to have your own child before considering other options. When we looked into it, we thought, yes, the costs are extremely high and the likelihood of finding a surrogate nearby was unlikely but we had to at least try. If this failed, we would have then considered the adoption route and created a secure home for that child.
Is it more difficult for same-sex couples to go through the process?
Funnily enough, it’s actually easier. In South Africa, surrogacy is fairly new and every application is met with additional formalities. As we understand it, the court states that any persons wanting to attempt IVF via surrogacy have to first eliminate or be tested for any causes that prevent them from carrying their own child. Only after they’ve done this can they then step into a contract with a surrogate.
With same-sex couples, the reason we can’t fall pregnant is quite obvious and as long as you are financially stable and mentally fit as a couple or person, there should be no reason to stop you. We know a couple that went through eight IVFs and struggled for years until they finally fell pregnant. They’re trying for a second using a surrogate. It’s such a hectic process and it takes a toll on your mental state the whole way.
Explain your surrogacy process.
Were there any blastocysts left over? If so, what did you do with them?
Yes, we do and they are frozen until such time as we want to try for another baby – which we hope will be soon.
What is the law in South Africa when it comes to using a surrogate?
I stand to be corrected, but a surrogate has to have had at least one or two children of her own [she needs to be a mother and her pregnancies need to have been uncomplicated]. This is so that, should she become infertile after your pregnancy, she cannot hold you accountable for her infertility.
We used a surrogacy lawyer who is familiar with the law and very equipped to deal with the court’s questions. Both parties enter into a contract which covers both the commissioning parents, as well as the surrogate mother. The court order states that we only pay a certain amount of money a month to cover the costs of feeding and caring for a woman who is pregnant. This list was compiled by the surrogacy lawyer involved and includes things such as maternity wear, medication and maternity vitamins, meals, etc.
Unfortunately, in reality, she can do what she pleases with this money so, as with the prenatal vitamins, we have to trust that she is adhering to our agreement. It is a big misconception that you pay the surrogate money or a salary for the service that she is doing [commercial surrogacy is illegal in South Africa and is viewed as the modern-day version of human trafficking of women and children]. Surrogacy is supposed to be a volunteered act of kindness.
We placed our surrogate onto medical aid as well as a short-term life cover should anything go wrong during the pregnancy. We pay for any other costs such as medical bills and items that would affect her due to the pregnancy.
The contract states that the baby does not belong to the surrogate and it’s quite clear that she hands over the baby on delivery. She can, however, decide midway through the pregnancy that she wants to abort if she has a change of heart. It makes no difference that this is our process and she signed a contract. At the end of the day, it is her body and she has the right to abort.
No social workers are required as the baby will not be adopted. The baby was conceived by us (the parents) with our own sperm, and eggs that we paid for. We will both be registered as the parents and no parenting plan is required as there is no issue of access to the child.
What kind of response did you have from family and friends when you announced your decision to have a baby using a surrogate?
Our parents, family and friends were only too thrilled! Most people were more intrigued by the idea and always wanted to know more. Regardless of the feedback we received, we both have been through a lot to get to where we are today and even if we did receive negative criticism, we would just brush it off as they have not walked our path and should rather not comment.
What discussions have you had with each other about how you will raise your child to understand that their family dynamic is not the typical mommy/daddy?
We honestly haven’t thought too much about it yet and will address it as it comes. We have teased each other, making a few funny nicknames for “dad” because how will we know who our child is calling for when he calls for Daddy?How would you describe your parenting philosophy at this stage? Have you defined your parenting roles yet, or will you take it as it comes?
Jesse is more maternal than I am as he has more experience with babies and kids, but we believe that parenting is not only for the person who is more maternal. We both need to support each other throughout the years. When one of us does the night-time feeds, the other should be there to support them if they are too tired, just like any other couple.
What kind of support structure do you have?
We are blessed to both have such supportive families and know that should we need any help or just a break, they would be there to jump in.
How are you going to manage paternity leave?
Our labour law [Basic Conditions of Employment Act, Section 25] has recently been amended when it comes to parental leave. Jesse will be taking four months commissioning parent leave [in the case of surrogacy] and I’ll be taking 10 days’ paternity leave. My company is also really supportive and are allowing me to stay home thereafter when and if need be.
Have you had any major roadblocks along this journey, and what were they? What advice would you give to any couple interested in going this route?
Luckily, we haven’t. However, if we have to give advice to another couple it would be to not give up. Although every step feels like a hurdle, you will get through them. Be prepared and save enough money to cover the whole process and then some in case there are issues along the way with different procedures. You are guaranteed to have an unexpected obstacle somewhere along the way.
Should anyone seriously considering surrogacy wish to talk to us, we have kept detailed records of the legal and financial process and will happily share these and help them the best way we can.
How long until your baby arrives?
We are due mid-July and we are so excited to be having a little boy! We have chosen a name. However, in Jewish tradition, the name is only revealed at the bris (traditional circumcision) when the baby is eight days old. This will be the first time anyone will find out his name.
Is there a birth plan and will both of you be present?
Because natural birth is such an intimate bond between mother and baby, it has been agreed via court order that the baby will be birthed via caesarean. Both Jesse and I will be present in the theatre waiting for the doctors to deliver our baby from our surrogate’s womb. We will have a skin-to-skin moment and then our baby will be taken back to the maternity ward with only Jesse and myself. The surrogate is taken immediately to recover in the general surgical ward, where we will allow her to see the baby the following day.
About surrogacy in South Africa
Surrogacy in South Africa is governed by the Children’s Act, Act 38 of 2005. It is illegal for anyone to be paid to profit from being a surrogate; however, the commissioning parents are legally obligated to cover the medical expenses of their surrogate. Visit the Surrogacy Advisory Group at www.surrogacy.co.za for more information.
*Names have been changed to protect the identity of the baby. Aaron and Jesse want to share their story with their child when they feel the time is right.
We can’t resist a love story. To find out more about Aaron and Jesse and their relationship, read below.
Aaron (29) has lived in South Africa his whole life “in a Sandton Bubble”, as he puts it. He was raised Jewish and is an interior architect. He met Jesse (33) when he was 19 and Jesse was 23, and they became close friends at the time. Jesse was also born in SA but grew up living in Brazil and SA. Jesse is also Jewish and works as a strategist.
Interestingly, Jesse’s stepmom lived next door to the house where Aaron grew up. Jesse would always visit their house until he was about nine to see his stepsister. Aaron’s family never really spoke with the neighbours then but they always knew who they were (the permanent residents). When the couple met for the first time for drinks, they didn’t put two and two together until Aaron invited Jesse to meet his family. It turned out that Aaron’s soul mate had been next door the whole time, but it took them 19 years to actually meet!
After five years of friendship, Aaron proposed to Jesse. They tied the knot in 2015 in a small, intimate ceremony at a lovely Muldersdrift (Johannesburg) venue alongside a gently flowing river. After four years of marriage, the couple is happier than ever and look forward to growing old together.
“As with any ‘normal’ marriage we have our arguments (one of us is always wrong and the other is always right) but we love to have a good shouting match, cool off for five minutes and apologise after every fight,” says Aaron.
He adds, “We have two amazing cats which honestly are like children to us; however, Jesse and I needed to take the next step. After we both agreed, we could not delay any further and we are now having a baby with our own DNA.”
We also wanted to know:
When did you first realise you were gay?
I knew when I was 16, but my family said they’d assumed since I was a kid. Jesse realised around the age of 12 years.
Was your family supportive at the time – are they today?
At first, they weren’t sure how to be supportive but realised that there was nothing they could do. They learnt to accept it and have always supported me since. Jesse’s mother wasn’t happy at all but she came to accept it as she didn’t want to lose her son. Today she is proud of him and has accepted me as her son as well.
Have you ever had a relationship with a girl or a woman?
Yes, in school before coming out but never anything serious. I came out at school at 17 and, strangely, was met with a lot of respect from all the guys at school. Jesse had relationships with a few girls before he came out at the age of 18, but also never for long periods.
What were the biggest struggles you encountered as a young boy coming to terms with his sexual identity?
The biggest struggle is opening up to people around you and being yourself. To be honest, nowadays it’s so ‘normal’ it’s become a lot easier to be gay in public and around people. We both still have the same mentality that not everyone is accepting so we tend to not be affectionate in public.
How would you describe each other?
We are very much like every other married couple. Jesse is OCD and likes to keep things clean and organised, whereas I like to be a boy. I miss the wash basket and leave my socks wherever I like. I make a mess and forget to clean up after myself every now and then. We fight about silly things but we get over them and move on. Our most important rule is to never go to bed angry. One of us needs to say sorry to the other (that’s generally me, because Jesse is always right!).
We’re a bit like yin and yang. Jesse likes to stay in the background, whereas I like to be the centre of attention. I always say that Jesse is the brains in our relationship and I’m the brawn. Together we get things done. We enjoy spending every moment together and have never wanted time alone. In fact, it feels really unsettling and lonely without each other. After all the arguments, there’s still no one we would rather be with than each other.
Have you experienced any prejudices and how have you dealt with this? How do you communicate as a couple to overcome these kinds of experiences?
We haven’t. We stick to circles we trust and have been friends with for a long time. People who show prejudice towards gays have their own insecurities and we don’t have time for other people’s problems.
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ii. the date, time and length of the calls and messages you send or receive through our network, and your approximate location at the time these communications take place;
iii. the level of service you receive – for example, network faults and other network events which may affect our network services;
iv. your website browsing information (which includes information about the websites you visit, and about how you use our website or other Vodafone Group websites on your mobile or a PC;
v. the date, time and length of your internet browsing, and your approximate location at the time of browsing;
vi. your brand preference, preferred video categories, related preferences (e.g. team choice); and type of services you typically access.
Using your personal information
j. We may use and analyse your information to:
i. process the goods and services you have bought from us, and keep you updated with your order progress;
ii. keep you informed generally about new products and services (unless you choose not to receive our marketing messages);
iii. provide the relevant service or product to you. This includes other services not included in this terms and conditions, and services that use information about where you are when using your mobile equipment (location information) and to contact you with messages about changes to the service or product;
iv. you with offers or promotions based on how you use our products and services. These include your calling and messaging activities, location information and browsing information (unless you choose not to receive these messages – see below on 'How to opt-out';
v. send you targeted and relevant messages, based on your behaviour, permission and preferences. From time to time, we will send you a range of different messages, from Vodacom as well as brands, to keep you informed or simply for you to tell us what you are into. These are not just offers and promotions but messages from your favourite brands including new products, discounts, limited offers, gifts and more. It works by using information about you to send you targeted messages relevant to you;
vi. bill you for using any additional products or services, or to take the appropriate amount of credit from you;
vii. respond to any questions or concerns you may have about using the Service, our network, products or services;
viii. let you know about other companies' products and services we think may interest you (including offers and discounts we've specially negotiated for our customers);
ix. protect our network and manage the volume of calls, texts and other use of our network. For example, we identify peak periods of use so we can try and ensure the network can handle the volume at those times
x. understand how you use this Service, our network, products and services. That way, we can develop more interesting and relevant products and services, as well as personalising the products and services we offer you;
xi. carry out research and statistical analysis including to monitor how customers use this Service, our network, products and services on an anonymous or personal basis;
xii. prevent and detect fraud or other crimes, recover debts or trace those who owe us money;
xiii. provide aggregated reports to third parties (such reports do not contain any information which may identify you as an individual).
k. The information we use will be your approximate location, based on the nearest mobile cell site. As a result, this will change as you move around with your mobile phone.
l. We will store your information for as long as we have to by law. If there is no legal requirement, we will only store it for as long as we need it.
Sharing your personal information
m. We may share information about you with:
i. companies in the Vodacom and Vodafone Group (Vodafone Group Plc and any company or other organisation in which Vodacom owns more than 15% of the share capital);
ii. Mondia Media, partners or agents involved in delivering the Services;
iii. companies who are engaged to perform the Service for, on behalf of Vodacom (Pty) Ltd including Mondia Media (Pty) Ltd;
iv. where applicable, credit reference, fraud prevention or business scoring agencies, or other credit scoring agencies;
v. where applicable, debt collection agencies or other debt recovery organisations;
vi. law enforcement agencies, regulatory organisations, courts or other public authorities if we have to, or are authorised to by law;
vii. emergency services (if you make an emergency call), including your approximate location.
n. We will release information if it's reasonable for the purpose of protecting us against fraud, defending our rights or property, or to protect the interests of our customers.
o. If we are reorganised or sold to another organisation, we may transfer any personal information we hold about you to that organisation.
p. We will transfer your information to Mondia Media our service provider. Mondia Media servers are based outside South Africa in Germany where adequate data protection laws exist to protect the privacy and security of your information. We have also signed a contract with Mondia Media with data protection provisions to ensure the security and protection of the privacy of your information.
q. At your option, we may also share your information with partner organisations we've chosen carefully, so they can contact you about their products and services.
Keeping your personal information secure
r. We have specialised security teams who constantly review and improve our measures to protect your personal information from unauthorised access, accidental loss, disclosure or destruction.
s. If we have a contract with another organisation to provide us with services or a service on our behalf to process your personal information, we will make sure they have appropriate security measures and only process your information in the way we've authorised them to. These organisations will not be entitled to use your personal information for their own purposes. If necessary, our security teams will check them to make sure they meet the security requirements we have set.
t. Communications over the internet (such as emails) are not secure unless they have been encrypted. Your communications may go through a number of countries before being delivered – as this is the nature of the internet. We cannot accept responsibility for any unauthorised access or loss of personal information that's beyond our control.
How to opt-out
u. If you want to opt out of Mum & Baby notifications, alerts or messages, you may do so via the relevant prompts through the short code *117*6862# or by visiting https://mumandbaby.vodacom.co.za. You can choose to opt out of partner communications by sending an SMS with STOP to 30881.